October 31, 2017

25 Weirdest "Sexy" Halloween Costumes

As someone who delights in Halloween costumes (I'm all up in your instagram feeds creepin' your costume, stranger), I am continuously baffled by a number of "sexy" costumes each year. As I've mentioned before, there are just some things that do not need to be sexed up. Scrabble boards come to mind.

Please know that I'm not dismissing any costume on the basis of merely being sexy (honestly, get it girl!), but I am dismissing it on the basis of being a shitty (in one case, literally) costume. The idea that someone purposely designed these costumes is not only surprising, but a true waste of time. You only get so many hours in your life...how many of them should you commit to drafting a sexy mustard bottle? Just a thought.

Please enjoy some of the weirdest "sexy" costumes I've seen this year:

The first issue is that they've put the words "sexy" and "poop" right there next to each other in the title. There are so many damn emojis...why this? The nose pinch really seals it for me. A sexy costume? Fine, great. A poop emoji costume? Yeah, sure whatever. A sexy poop emoji costume? NO, THANK YOU.

You may know Rosie as a feminist icon that represents the power and resilience of women, but have you ever been acquainted with her sexier side?! Who even knew she had a tush! Here we were stupidly talking only of her brains and strength. Finally, someone saw fit to revamp Rosie for the male gaze. Maybe they could do Ruth Bader Ginsburg next?!

What's sexier than an unknown corpse? You can wear this micro mini body bag, which does zip all the way up to cover your head, to show everyone that your name and face simply do not matter. There's even a handy toe tag inexplicably worn around the neck! It's a good thing violence against women is so rare and taken so seriously that we're able to joke about it. Oh wait.

No, you're not adrift in a channel surf - this costume really does say "control her." For suuuure a dude designed this, and was certain to add adorable details like the good girl/bad girl toggles and the hotness level changer. Comedy! Misogyny aside, this is just a bad costume: presumably, as a remote, all of her "buttons" would be meant for pressing, so why is there a specific "press" button on her head? Additionally, if she is a remote control, why does the costume include a garter with a strapped on remote control?! Is this her child? Is she an adult remote babysitting a toddler remote? Is this a remote to control the remote? We need - no, deserve - to know.

I don't know if it's the associated hot dog imagery that's supposed to make this costume sexy, but I'm just not quite getting it. This is one of the rare brand name licensed costumes, but it really feels like it wasn't worth the paperwork to finalize this deal. Never has mustard, let alone yellow mustard, felt or been sexy. Like, maybe one of those grainy deli mustards if it's paired with a beautiful charcuterie, maybe. But never yellow. Never.

Oops, did I say the trademarked name Edward Scissorhands? I meant Sexy Creepy Scissor Sweetie, which is obviously just as catchy. I feel compelled to point out that this is not what Edward looked like at all. Though he did have wild black hair and scissors for hands, he didn't wear a gartered romper covered in tiny images of scissors, if you can believe it.

Not a sexy shark costume, a sexy shark attack costume. They could've easily omitted the dripping blood and made a shark costume, which would've been perhaps dull, but not baffling. If I am to believe this costume, she has been consumed by said shark right up to her stomach, though strangely her left arm has been spared. For someone in her shoes (btw, was she wearing those heels in the ocean?) she seems pretty calm about everything. The description says "take a bite out of your delicious prey" which leaves me wondering if I accidentally wandered onto a costume website for sharks?

Man, what a bummer. It must be nice to feel so detached from the world that you can already joke about this concept, but honestly I'm just not there yet. Don't do it.

Yiiiiiikes. This costume is going for a retro pin-up vibe, but we really can't ignore that they're suggesting you dress up as a sexy bomber, aka a combat aircraft used to, you know, bomb people. The 'patriotic' message is a little tainted here, no matter how many spinning propellers you add to that bra. The description even says you won't have a problem "finding allies in this jaw-dropping outfit" so there's no denying the creepy war message. There are plenty of bomb/blast puns in the description too, so don't worry. LOL?

Or as they call it, "Sexy Galaxy Gremlin Costume." It's kind of harsh to call Yoda a gremlin, but it's even harsher to suggest this is an acceptable way to dress as him. For one, why are there eyes right above her eyes? This is limited edition, but the kicker? "Robe and hat not included." Which, I mean, that's almost impressively ballsy. So I guess this is technically a limited edition brown bikini? Cool.

There were so many others I'd hate to leave out so here are the honorable mentions:

Suuuuuper clever, bro.

Ummm, are people supposed to be attracted to fish now?

You just know they're gonna do the filter over the costume.

I'm sorry, I just find Red Vines sexier.

Because why not at this point, right?

But why is the "big top" on the bottom?

Perfect way to attract that dude who sucks.

Maybe not the best idea in this political climate?

Gee, I wonder who this is referencing?

Lesson #1: No "sexy" costumes of children. Non negotiable!

This sure is awfully specific.

The costume that literally no one is looking for.

Cutting edge internet joke.

Because god forbid there be a single American women who isn't sexualized.

Continuing the grand tradition of character-eating-head costumes.

What's the worst costume here? 
What bad costumes have you seen this year?

1 comment:

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