|Blow Pop costume and Beaver costume. Subtlety has never been a strong suit for this industry.|
Browsing this year's offerings provides so many questions and so few answers. Why are there "Sexy Pacman" and "Sexy Pacman Ghost" costumes, but no Ms. Pacman in sight? Who is buying a Fembot costume in 2013? Why is the Baywatch costume considerably less risque than the actual outfits worn on the show? Why does every animal costume include furry leg warmers?
|It just seems...unrealistic.|
Here are some of the "sexy" Halloween costumes that I couldn't help but laugh at this year:
You know a costume is pretty terrible when you have to add a clue about what it is right on it. I don't recall Michael's lucite heels, teased hair or cleavage, but I guess I didn't catch all of the Halloween movies. To refresh your memory, Michael Meyers is a mass murderer/all around creep - not super sexy, in my opinion. According to the costume maker, "You won't have to chase your next victim down they will be lined up waiting for you!" (grammatical errors included). Also, where the hell is the mask?!
Why, yes, this is a sexy toddler costume! Did you know you can also buy "sexy" Girl Scout and Brownie costumes? THESE SEXY COSTUMES ARE BASED ON CHILDREN. Aside from that minor hang up, this is just unnecessary - there are plenty of adult options if you want to be a beauty queen…perhaps you've heard of Miss America? The kiddie-socks-and-heels and baby tutu are overkill (also creepy as hell). Basically, don't make me have to put the words "sexy" and "toddler" in the same sentence again, okay?
My inner Scrabble nerd is kind of excited to see this game get some play, but this weird "sexy" version seems to be made from the same cheap plastic one might find in a dollar store tablecloth. The tiles on the dress spell out Halloween-related words, like "Dracula" and "creepy" so I give them bonus points for that (not a triple word score, though). I won't even harp on the fact that you couldn't actually play "Dracula" in a real game of Scrabble since it's a proper noun. Whatever, I'm totally over it. (I'm not).
|The product description says "He'll be dying to show off his large...vocabulary" so good luck with that.|
Again, you should NOT have to write "Beetlejuice" on the costume to tip me off. The weirdest thing about this "sexy" costume is that they obviously ditched those pesky details about what he actually wears to incorporate a short dress, but still felt the need to keep it authentic with the crazy gray hair and dark-circled eyes. It's like half slutty, half creepy, which in theory I like, but here it comes off like an identity crisis. Also, this seems to be a repurposed pirate costume. "A" for effort in the tiny tie department, though.
Yes, that Barney. He doesn't strike me as the kind of character that needs a "sexy" costume in his honor, but I felt the same way about Tweety and Oscar the Grouch. It seems costumers love taking anything you may have held dear as a child and slitting it up to there. Not only is this costume supposed to be a sexy dinosaur, but also a sexy children's television star. That's a lot to ask of one measly sexy costume. Doesn't it look like Barney is eating her head? Hey, maybe Barney is kind of sexy!
This one reminds me of something you'd find in a bad rom-com, where the leading lady tries to land her man in a grand gesture by combining everything he loves: SEX & PIZZA. Antics and miscommunications ensue, and at some point he wipes her tears with a pepperoni slice. In reality, this costume is truly lacking, and I can't help but think that the pizza point is supposed to be a not-so-subliminal arrow to her lady parts. Try not to get it confused with the pizza costume for men, which looks like, you know, actual pizza.
Oh, I'm sorry - did I say "Sexy Sriracha Costume"? This is actually called the "Sexy Chinese Hot Sauce Costume" which is just as catchy! I get that they had to lose the brand name, and this would still clearly read as Sriracha to fellow party goers, but the loss of the classic rooster (aka cock) mascot in favor of a bunny is nothing short of ironic. Also, Sriracha is Thai, not Chinese, but I don't expect racial sensitivity from the industry that brought us the "Pow, WOW! Sexy Native American" costume.
I don't mean "Jolly Rancher" as in a joyful farmer or something; I am, in fact, referring to the colorful rectangular candies. The costume bigwigs had such high hopes for this one that they produced it in FIVE COLORS, just in case. You can't even get that many options for a sexy witch, but rest assured if you want to dress as a sexualized hard candy you can do so in your favorite shade. Perfect for groups who lack creativity and decision making skills! Look out for next year - I see sexy Warheads in our future!
My main problem with costumes this simple is that people actually buy them. You don't even have to DIY - this can be assembled so cheaply. Those socks are half the costume and they aren't even included! There are a few ladies in the Where's Waldo? world, but they still call this costume "Waldo Sexy Dress Costume" (great name, btw). This one mostly annoys me on principle because Where's Waldo? is so simple and innocent and they've made it more like Where's Waldo and Also Do You Want to See My Cervix?
|This pose seems ripe for Photoshopping.|
What are woolly mammoths known for? Their enormous tusks! Here, they're downsized to look "cuter." Also, no trunk? Like, at all? Oh, wait - it's up there with those tiny tusks. Perhaps you missed it since it's about the size of a candy bar. There should probably be fur all over instead of whatever that weird vinyl body suit is, since woolly mammoths were kind of covered in the stuff. Why not just name this after another animal since this is clearly not a woolly mammoth?
|For comparison, here's what a woolly mammoth actually looks like since it seems they forgot.|
Don't think that your dog is being left out of the fun! This "Sexy Schoolgirl Dog Costume" can be yours if you can stomach looking at the photo on the package for more than two seconds:
|Arch that back, baby.|
Now, why would you opt for the above costume when you could be putting this on your dog?
|I mean, right?!|
I encourage everyone to wear whatever Halloween costume they love, regardless of how weird/confusing/unsettling it may be (hey, I was Broadway Dancing Corn on the Cob a couple years ago - I get it). That said, some costumes will always perplex me.
What is the weirdest costume you've ever seen - "sexy" or not? The funniest? Most importantly, what are you dressing as for Halloween this year?!